Thursday, May 14, 2015

To Love and to let go

I don't think I have a story to go with this post. I just have the simple insight gained: that to learn to love is also to learn to let go.


I imagine the disciples watching as Christ ascended into heaven. They needed to let go, just as I'm sure Jesus was learning to let go too.  The relationship between them was not ending; it was changing.  He wouldn't be here with them in the same way, but still he wasn't gone. They need not stand and wait for his return. No, his return would be in their love, made manifest in their living and discovered in the eyes and arms of others.  That is where they would find him. I can say that because for anyone who has found God- who has fallen in love with the Divine- that is how we've done it... in others, in prayer, in experiences...in some way other than explicit, literal, actual face-to-face contact.

The last week has been full of goodbyes.  As I come to the end of my first year of full time ministry as a Sister of St. Joseph, I realize the intense nature of the relationships we maintain. We are relational people.  We live and work so that all people may be in union with God and with one another. That's who we are; that's who I am. At times, I'm not very good at that. At other times, by grace, it comes easily. Either way though, hard or easy, relationships come and with/in them there is love.  It's a love beyond bounds of being. It means being vulnerable. Opening yourself to the love of another and discovering what happens in the process.

A friend posted earlier in the week on Facebook about how life turns out. She wondered aloud- Does anyone's life turn out how they expected? Is being flexible with one's expectations make for a happier life? Can one be too open to what happens next in life?

Reading those questions, I wondered. Has my life turned out how I expected? Have my expectations changed?  How am I still discovering who I am? and in what ways, am I striving to most perfectly (and thus imperfectly) be myself?

Talking to another friend later in the week, we drew the conclusion that life is complicated.  And despite what we might hope, life is just going to keep being complicated. 

In the end, I guess, we just have to learn to live in the complications. Live in, not with. To "live with" is to passively acquiesce to it all; to "live in" is to say yeah this is complicated, but it's also life...my life and I'm going to live and love in it no matter what.

Sometimes that requires letting go. It means being a little less serious so you can just be  and so, ultimately, love can do its work in you and through you.  You're changed.  The hope is that that change is for the better (and if you let go a little, lean in to God and trust, it probably is). Then you can most fully be yourself and you can allow those around you to be themselves- the very person you love them most for being.

And there's something freeing in that... something complicated... something called Life. 

Friday, April 10, 2015

Poem behind the Post: Tiny Resurrections

My latest column for the Global Sisters Report is entitled "Tiny Resurrections". In it, I reflect on the grace that we can find when things don't turn out how we'd like or expect.  It comes from my own experience of this year's Easter Triduum. Before the column came this poem, so take a minute and read the two. Easter blessings and happy wandering!

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To each his own
hidden moments of Resurrection

There among the tatters
of the everyday

Grace freely given
if I am free enough to receive

like the working mother
who makes change from the collection basket

The light of a star
above a path
that though in darkness
promises direction always

We journey these days in faith
believing there is more
and finding apart from what is expected
moments of resurrection
fragments of grace giving new life
everyday, always.

Monday, April 6, 2015

The Sister

As I've done before, I've written a post for my religious community's blog, Sharing the Joy of Vocation.  The piece is entitled "The Sister"; below is a copy of the piece and a link to the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond I reference. Be sure to check the blog out and enjoy!
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"The Sister"

One night at the end of January, I got a text from my father who was away visiting family in Louisiana.  He’s not one to text often, so I perked up when I saw the notification on my phone. “Watching the 'Everybody Loves Raymond' episode where Debra’s sister announces she’s becoming a nun,” he wrote, “Hilarious (with some serious sides of self-reflection).

 I paused for a moment when I read those words.  I had never seen that episode, but the fact that he indicated that it had prompted some self-reflection on his part made me want to pry more deeply.  “Hahaha,” I wrote back “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that one; you’ll have to tell me about it.”

"Go to YouTube,” he responded, giving me the episode number and title. No luck getting an explanation. Dads can be tough nuts to crack. So, I did the next best thing - I watched the episode and pondered what might have prompted his reflection.

 Right off the bat, there’s a lot to love about the episode. It’s funny whether you are a sister or not. As every episode of Raymond does, “The Sister” looks at family dynamics and how we function in the midst of the stuff of life- offering many laughs and oftentimes a lesson all rolled into one. While not correct on some details, the episode struck at the heart of the matter. Even before the first commercial break, I knew why my dad had sent it to me.

You see the process of telling the people in your life that you are becoming a sister isn’t always easy.  At times, you have to insert your own laugh track where awkward silences and misunderstanding pervade.  But that’s the thing about a call… sometimes you hear it more clearly than those around you.

Now, looking back on it, I laugh all the harder. It wasn’t always so easy and, to be honest, I still hit rough patches; but watching my family take on this choice in my life- this part of me- has been a joy and a challenge.  That story is one much longer than these types of blog posts allow, but let me just say the dinner scene in the episode rings true (“Excuse me, Sister, but is there a special blessing for dessert?”)  And the thing about family is that they’re always with you.

My family cares deeply about who I am and who I am becoming. They want the best for me. They support me but as my father has reflected in recent months, “Don’t say we were against the idea…it’s just that we were cautious.” That’s true and probably for good reason. A call is something that is lived out in stereo; you learn the rhythm from the life you live, the faith you foster, and the people who accompany you.  Family is a key part. They can help to clarify lots of things and teach you things about yourself that you never realized you didn’t take the time to know.

As we navigate this call together, I am constantly reminded that God is the one in control. If I balked every time someone stopped to ask if they could ask me a question and followed up with a wildly personal query, I wouldn’t make it very far. My family and friends, though, are just trying to understand so that they can support me. After all, a religious community is not a family. You only get one of those.

Knowing that they (and I) can look back now and laugh is a blessing in and of itself.  We laugh together. And in that laughter is something pure… something surely of God: Love.  That is the love that is at the root of who we are as Sisters of Saint Joseph. It's a love that speaks truth and brings joy in all that we are and strive to be; love that draws people together, love that seeks union, and love that, in facing the unknown knowingly, with faith and hope, loves all the same.

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Here's the episode for your viewing pleasure:

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Poem: The Ocean of a Soul

This past weekend, we took a group of students to St. Mary's-by-the-Sea for a Silent Retreat. As I reflected on their prayer and this sacred silence by the sea, the following poem came to light:


Cast out
into the ocean of your soul
they said

Cast out
into the deep
Beyond your bounds
Beyond your knowing

To catch
you know not what

And waves shoot out in the sand
like the ocean of a soul

And you realize
You cast out
not to catch
but to be
caught.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

For Now is Enough

For the last week, I have been with a group of students in Appalachia doing service work for their spring break.  The week was full of blessings, providing a chance to serve during this Lenten season and the opportunity to reflect on the space for God that is created when we are in relationship with others.  While I was away, my latest column was posted on the Global Sisters Report. Entitled "For Now", this is my 10th column for the site. Writing for GSR has been a blessing, giving a space to share my reflections more widely and the grace of having regular deadlines to meet.  My latest column looks at the call to be present to the current moment. We say yes for now in the hope of forever. Sometimes that is as far as we are able to commit; being able to engage the present moment deepens our relationship with God and reveals the eternal life we are striving for. Lent gives us a special opportunity to be intentional about strengthening our faith. Living for now strengthens our trust in God and challenges us to grow in the present moment. I hope the the words I share help to deepen your Lenten journey and that we all may be able to say yes for now... 
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Every morning you have to wake up and say yes!

That’s one of the single most quoted pieces of advice I got in the lead up to my first profession of vows. No one promised me the road ahead would be smooth, nor did they say that my first year of profession would be easy. To be honest, among all the other pieces of advice I received, the admonition that I’d need to say yes everyday seemed like a euphemistic response to the question of what it means to live a vowed life. Yet, just six months later I found myself sitting across the table from an acquaintance saying just that: “Every day I have to choose to say yes.”

I was visiting my alma mater as part of an annual gathering of religious studies alumnae. Over drinks, we caught up about the last year of our lives: friends, new and old, creating connections. We began talking about the struggles of our everyday lives as young women in the church and the situations of life we find ourselves in. Engaging a woman I didn't know particularly well, I named my struggle as well as you can to a relative stranger.

“Every day I have to choose to say yes,” I heard myself say as I explained my struggle with certain structures. Earlier in the afternoon, I had stood in the campus chapel and spoke the words of my vows aloud. I needed to say those words there. There, in a place that had been so formative to my journey, they made sense. In that moment and in that place, I could say yes . . . in that moment . . . for now.

A week later, on Valentine’s Day, I found myself gathered together once again with a group of young women. This time, though, those gathered were all younger women religious. Over dinner, we shared honestly the struggles, the gifts, the graces, and the foibles of religious life as younger members. After an extended period of time, one of my friends who had been markedly quiet during our discussion of the hope of years to come spoke up: “I don’t know,” she said genuinely. “I hear what you are all saying, but I don’t know if I can agree. When I think about renewing my vows for another year, I don’t know if I can – it seems like too much time; I have to break it down – I have to think to myself, ‘I can say yes to this for now.’”

Her comment was honest. For now, I can say yes. Here in this moment, I can keep on going. It’s not the most hope-filled or inspiring of sentiments, but it is one that comes from lived experience. In a world that can be rough and a landscape that is constantly shifting and changing, sometimes the deepest commitment you can make is for now.

The only moment we truly have is right now. Breaking down time in a way that focuses on living for now offers us the rare opportunity to cast aside what is unnecessary for this moment, while at the same time allowing us to embrace the glimpse of forever – the promise and hope of eternal life – present in each and every experience. 

Living “for now” offers us a brief glimpse of the long view, a microcosm of the promises of our faith. It breaks down the complexity of the journey, causing us to ask, “How does each moment echo eternity?” We act for now in the hope of forever, living salvation on the small scale of each moment, so that a lifetime of faithfulness might emerge...



Sunday, February 22, 2015

Poem: For Now

As I move my way through Lent, poetry seems to be emerging all the more and so here I am to share it. This poem surfaced in the course of writing my forthcoming column for the Global Sisters Report, a piece entitled "For Now"... more on that later this week...


remember what it means to go out into the desert
remember what can happen when you invite the Spirit in
 like a fire in the night
 everything will burn
 stripped bare
 the only light remaining is the one to guide you home.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Take Nothing for the Journey

Reflecting this morning on the beginning of Lent, I found myself savoring the beginning of what is a season that I love.  There is something to the wandering of these forty days, the purification, the intentionality that wraps me in its unique warmth, like a warm woolen mitten in the winter cold.

To mark the beginning of this Lenten journey, I wrote a poem for the Sister of St. Joseph's blog Sharing the Joy of Vocation. May it help you to enter into this season and may we all journey together in faithfulness and grace. Peace+ 



Take nothing for the journey
he said
and I realized
all I was carrying.

And slowly I began to wander
a journey that had already begun
And like a bird I flew free
no arms to hold what could hold me back

Go slow
Be open
See the sights
and see to the fact
that you only pick up what you need

And so I went
the journey deep
the darkness dark
the steepness steep

Seeing what
was there to see
in time
with grace
deep inside of me.

Like the crop circles of my soul
conveying a message
I am still figuring out
how to read.

You pinned me down
by the heart
so I could see the beautiful
markings on my wings
stopped still from the frantic beat

Take nothing for the journey
they said
Take nothing but who you are.